I’m reading Cosmopolitan and trashy relationship books at Borders again. It brings me back 17 years, when I was beginning research for my first book, Listen with Your Heart: Seeking the Sacred in Romantic Love, which critiques the manipulative dating advice aimed at women and offers a spiritual approach to relationships instead.  The book has been out of print for a few years, so today I headed to Borders to start writing an updated proposal to get the book back into print. I wasn’t sure what I’d find. “What if the relationship books have gotten better?” I wondered. “Will I have to revise my assessment of popular culture?” No worries. The cover of this month’s Cosmo claims to tell us, “How to Get a Guy [...]

Last Saturday I went to a Quaker memorial, and last night I went to a Bat Mitzvah. Although on the surface these two events might seem as different as possible, I was struck by their many similarities. First of all, I cried through both of them and needed to be passed tissue by someone sitting nearby. I was not alone in this for on both occasions there was a widespread feeling of hearts being full. There was also a sense of being connected in the Divine Presence, of being in sacred space. Although in both cases the hosting faith community had opened its arms to the wider community of people who loved its member, both were what Quakers would call a “gathered meeting.”   Love [...]

I’m wanting to write some profound and moving tribute to Jim Cox or at least capture the mood of his packed memorial yesterday afternoon, where people from all parts of his life rose and shared how the joy and love he expressed every day affected them—even (or especially) when he was dying of brain cancer. A member of our meeting said that Jim thought that once he was in the “other dimension” that he called heaven, he could help people with their dying, but she noted that he was already helping them with their living. As I think about that message, sitting at my computer on a Sunday morning, I realize that the best tribute I could give Jim would be to go make breakfast [...]

After writing the post on Focus two weeks ago, I decided to take a “sabbath year,” inspired by one Quaker meeting’s decision a few years back to abstain for a year from all activities that were not strictly necessary. It was a chance to make some space and see what was really essential. In my case, I’m going to make it a sabbatical from volunteering, though with a similar purpose. Initially I thought this sounded selfish; then I started adding up in my mind all the hours I’ve spent volunteering for various things in the last twenty-six years. Mostly they have been wonderful enriching experiences, but lately I’ve been feeling resentful of people in my various communities who don’t volunteer as much, which is a [...]

I don’t think of myself as a defensive person. I try to listen to criticism with an open mind, see what I can learn from it, and dismiss anything that doesn’t ring true after considering it. I said, “I try.” Twice recently I’ve found my back up. My first impulse was to analyze the poor communication skills of the people who prompted the defensiveness. “If she had worded that differently,” I thought, “I would have listened more calmly. I should explain to her how to deliver criticism in a more effective way.” This first train of thought led me to recall times that I’ve made other people defensive, which sometimes happens when I express an environmental concern to friends who don’t share my habit of [...]