It’s been quite a year, and in the early hours of Christmas Eve—when I could go to the gym or sneak down to the basement to finish wrapping presents—it feels like a good time to do some reflection. Besides, I’m not anticipating any other quiet time in the next few days, so I better write now. 

After years of feeling led to write a book on the Serenity Prayer, 2009 was the year that leading came to fruition. This time a year ago, I was waiting for the editor’s feedback and revisions, slightly anxious about the fact that I would be revising while teaching two courses at University of the Arts. My blog post from Boxing Day 2008 only hints at my struggle to live with serenity. Despite the workload, the teaching and writing both went well, as did the launch of the book itself this fall, after the summer frustrations of preparing publicity with no childcare. In short, I feel I was faithful to my leading and feel grateful for all the ways way has opened (to use the Quaker phrase).

From the beginning, I was clear that I was led to try to publicize this book more than I did my first one, and I feel good about the work I’ve done on that front, particularly the book events —which were very affirming—and the articles that got published this fall. And yet I’m ending the year with a little feeling of restlessness that I can’t quite identify. Part of it is disappointment that my efforts haven’t resulted in larger book sales—though in truth I don’t know the exact numbers yet. There is always more to do in publicity, so I don’t have a sense of being done, the way I did when I completed the final copy edit and pressed “send.” In fact, I have more events and at least one radio interview coming up in the New Year, as well as a sense that there is more I should be doing, especially as I feel the speaking has become an extension of my leading to write.

At the same time, long-term questions are starting to surface: What next, after this? Is there another book germinating? If I don’t sell a lot more books, should I look into getting a full time job? I’ve been imagining various job options lately, and I’m really not sure if this is the precursor to a new leading—some kind of inner preparation—or running away from the leading that’s been clear for the last several years. Is it the fear of having to pay for a private high school (if that is the direction our family chooses, something that is also not clear yet), or the simple recognition that our family is entering a new phase, and taking care of my kids may require something different in the coming years. I’m trying to be open and pay attention, without focusing too much on the future, when there is so much to be grateful for in the present.

This year, I am particularly grateful for my family, my meeting, and my friends—all of whom have been incredibly supportive. I am also grateful for my agent, my editor, and my publicist—I think I’m the only writer I know who loves all three of these people. I’m grateful for readers, both of this blog and of the book, who have written me with encouragement, often when I needed it. And I’m grateful to the Spirit, which I have felt at work in my life many times this year. My hope is that I can stay in sync with that Spirit in the year to come, when the path is not so clear.